I’ve been dealing with all kinds of nerve pain in my body. Tingling, numbness, random shaking, grip issues, are wrecking my life.

I’ve learned that my options are limited, and I can only do the best I can to keep moving forward.

I wasn’t intending to talk about my neck until my x-ray results were back. Unfortunately, they haven’t released them to MyChart for my view, yet. I got the scans done on Thursday. I thought I’d see it Friday night, max.

Of course, it is not back, so I don’t know what was found. I can say that my neck never felt painful, but I constantly had to pop my neck on the left. It, well, relieved headache pressure. It got to the point that I was popping my neck 5+ times a day. If I hadn’t, it would have felt stiff and sore. I just did my best.

I experienced some tingling in my right upper arm. Burning would go down the arm, turning to numbness from the last 3 fingers up my hand. I learned to adjust my sleep form to reduce the pain.

Now my left arm likes to go tingly before both hands start shaking, trying to do something. Suddenly, my left hand won’t grip things. My fingers feel uncooperative and won’t do what they are supposed to. Almost like fake fingers that have weight and existence, but are not functional.

They would come back by shaking my hand. Well, back when those fingers would only cramp into a weird position.

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The other day, my lovely better half playfully smacked my butt and then intense pain. It radiated from where his hand landed to my ankle, with extreme joint pain in my knee and ankle. He must have touched around the sciatic nerve. Oh, the misery.

I made this meme as a joke about my nerve issues:

My life feels upended. I cut my mentoring business back further with just written guides that can be paced to completion. Sales can be idle. I just have to promote sales the best I can once I have enough to be notable. I don’t want to rush quality, though.

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My doctor told me in a message that edibles are the safest pain relief for me. Opioids have side effects that would amplify my hypoxia. My SVT limited muscle relaxers.

Today. I find myself microdosing edibles. I hope this helps control muscle tension. It supports a 3x per day muscle relaxer with the least effect on my SVT. This method helps enough to avoid needing higher doses of pot.

It is combined with CBG, a stronger pain and tension relief for my body than CBD. I am fully converted to CBG for that reason.

Finding the right dosage for relief without the psychedelic effect was hard. It is most effective with some THC in it. I just don’t want a lot of THC. I want to remain functional, just less stiff.

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The limited mobility and need for aids to do simple tasks, including walking, is breaking my heart. Cutting back my business to guides-only is hard. I am excited to have found a bright light in my steps forward.

I don’t want to cut back. I don’t want to be restricted. I don’t want to need aids to exist in life.

I’m aware of worse situations. I am aware that people overcome limitations by finding alternatives daily.

That doesn’t stop the grief over my limitations and struggles. I don’t know what to do, just keep trying to find ways around life.

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Disability is being updated. I had a function document to fill out for them, with the new information. I’ve printed medical documents that they don’t have yet, and I am sending them too. I am determined to make it clear… I am physically fucked. During their determination period, when they felt “you’re no worse, do something else.” Well, I can check some more boxes now.

I understand the need to filter out fake cases. Yet, that jaded approach also destroys the genuine cases that are faltering without acknowledgment.

Instead of truly helping people, how many end up destroyed? I was in a black space for months after the denial. My better half snapped at me for my dark expressions. Without any light, I realized I was taking casualties.

I forced myself to try again. Find something that was seated and wouldn’t overwhelm me nearly as bad. Every opportunity flopped for one thing or another. A failed THC reading was one. I told them in advance that I worked in a Marijuana-friendly state. I used it for insomnia. They wouldn’t answer my questions, but panicked when I failed. They didn’t care to tell me that they didn’t accept exceptions. If they had answered my questions? No time would have been wasted.

Figures.

I was effectively marked as “do not hire” in life and leaned on self-employment for any extra income.

I took independent contractor call center work even!

My emotional capabilities with customer service were not fully repaired. A woman verbally attacked me while I tried to get confirmation to hang up… no consistent responses. Ten minutes before I got permission and dropped the call.

It was too late, I was torn back down.

My health started scaring me, and I decided to start my LLC.

It only keeps breaking down, but owning a business has built up my mental health. I couldn’t directly stop my body, but I could work on my mind.

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My physical health sucks, but my mind is much stronger. I’m taking things in stride… I never thought my body would drop this much. I’m grateful my mind is handling things.

Even if I am sad today.