My body put a stop to my sleep, so now you’re stuck listening to me ramble.
It is about time I wrote an organic post, anyway. As fun as writing prompts can be, I’ve had a lot on my mind that I wanted to share.
I think the biggest one is PMDD. I learned a lot about the disorder, and my life suddenly made more sense. I am going to try to break down what I have learned about it & how it connects to me.
For those who do not know, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is defined as:
A severe, often disabling form of PMS that causes extreme emotional and physical distress. Symptoms often appear 7 to 10 days before menstruation & resolve within a few days of it starting.
For me, symptoms show up around 3 days before my period & it ends on the last day of my period. That first day after? It is like night & day. I can schedule it on a calendar. It is very predictable!
First, I want to start with a rough overview of the symptoms:
- Extreme Mood Swings
- Intense Irritability & Anger
- Depression
- Excessive Anxiety
- Amplified Overwhelm
- Unaliving Ideation
- ADHD-like Attention Issues
- Loss of Interest in Hobbies/Activities
- Fatigue
- Insomnia or Hypersomnia
- Sudden Appetite Changes (Over/Undereating, or Intense Cravings)
- Increased Forgetfulness
- Sensory Sensitivity (Such as light, sound, or touch)
- Impulsivity
Now, I want to highlight the ones I struggle with:
- Extreme Mood Swings: I will switch between moods like a light switch was flicked on or off.
- Intense Irritability & Anger: I will snap at someone for just entering the room or start bawling because my boyfriend gave me a hug.
- Depression: I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) already. I tend to see a double whammy from PMDD. When all the other symptoms stop with my menstrual cycle, it can sometimes trigger continued depression because the PMDD + MDD combo is so heavy.
- Excessive Anxiety: I have been noticing that my anxiety intensifies. I have a lower baseline of anxiety all the time. During PMDD, it is like someone turns up the volume to max & breaks off the dial.
- Amplified Overwhelm: During this time, I cannot handle more than one or two tasks. If I try to create an organized list longer than that? I will break down & sob. It is just too much.
- Unaliving Ideation: This hits in the evenings. I’ve learned to remind myself that it will pass. It always passes a day or two before the rest of the symptoms I experience.
- ADHD-like Attention Issues: Yes, it does make me squirrel. It is more intense than that, but I struggle to focus on anything at all during this time. It is exhausting to try.
- I do not experience a loss of interest in my hobbies. I just have a limited capacity to handle a lot. I still enjoy them.
- Fatigue: I will often sleep 12 hours a night & take 3-hour naps during the day. If I don’t listen to my body, my emotional symptoms become intensified.
- Hypersomnia: This is where that excessive sleepiness comes in. Lots of sleep.
- Sudden Appetite Changes: I get intense sugar cravings. I mean, really intense. It is not something I can explain. If you know, you know.
- Increased Forgetfulness: This isn’t one of my more intense symptoms. It is passive & often relates more to the overwhelm that I experience.
- Sensory Sensitivity: I have auditory sensitivity at all times. My photophobia comes & goes with my migraines. While a potential symptom, I don’t think mine are related to PMDD.
- Impulsivity: A part of executive dysfunction, I have intense impulsivity issues during this time.
The National Library of Medicine explains it best:
“Recent evidence from research studies suggests that reproductive hormone release patterns are normal in women with PMS/PMDD, but they have a heightened sensitivity to cyclical variations in levels of reproductive hormones, which predisposes them to experience mood, behavioral, and somatic symptoms.”
I read those symptoms and, were I an outsider, it would appear to be “not that bad.”
Let me try to explain what I live with by outlining my experience for one day during that timeframe.
- I will isolate myself because I am suddenly terrified that everyone hates me. I’m very paranoid and scared to interact.
- My fight-or-flight response is always turned on.
- I have increased pain throughout my body, especially in my joints.
- I sleep 12 hours at night & take a 3-hour daytime nap. I’m excessively fatigued.
- I have to cut back my responsibilities because a small “must-do” list can cause a breakdown & executive dysfunction.
- I am often hit with a depressive episode that won’t lift. However, it will also trigger my MDD & longer depressive episodes. I have to take extra care to use my self-care techniques during & after to prevent a long depressive episode.
- I will go online and buy things when I really shouldn’t.
So, imagine me hiding in my room with my computer. I’m determined that everyone hates me, I’m extra sensitive to negative perceptions of myself, and a soft knock or footfall will elicit a jump scare reaction.
I become a little paranoid ball of anxiety that will buy stupid stuff while crying because I need to check the mail.
It is not a fun experience. It is debilitating!
I am notorious for beating myself up because of my executive dysfunction as well. I don’t like feeling so overwhelmed. No matter what tricks I tried, I could not seem to force myself into a normal level of coping.
It is embarrassing to shut down over 1-2 small tasks.
It is something I have always beat myself up over. It is good to know why now. It still sucks.
I am learning to meet myself where I am, though. Being able to see the timeline on a calendar is helping me better plan for when I will be most productive & when I need more breaks.
There are a lot of crossover symptoms with ADHD, which now make sense.
I went to have an ADHD evaluation because I showed signs of the disorder. However, I was still on the fence about it. I never finished the evaluation, though.
Everything became clear when I spoke to my doctor, instead.
My primary care physician diagnosed PMDD when I explained my symptoms & scheduled events around my menstruation.
My poor therapist, the most amazing woman, beat herself up a little for not seeing it. The problem is, MDD can mask PMDD. I only saw the trend because we finally managed to control my hypothyroidism with medication. Previously, I had learned to manage my MDD.
That is when I finally noticed a scheduled timeline to the other symptoms I have been living with for many years.
Want to know the most ridiculous part of the whole thing? I just needed hormonal birth control. I already have an IUD, but it is a non-hormonal form. I need hormonal birth control because it evens out hormone fluctuations.
We did wonder if my antidepressant would need to be changed. After a month on birth control, though, it doesn’t seem to be necessary.
To anyone curious about their own potential for PMDD, think of it like PMS on steroids. PMDD is also a spectrum. You can have it without the same level of severity I experience.
It also intensified when my thyroid function dropped significantly enough to need medication.
Thyroid hormones & female hormones are closely tied. They can compound on each other. It is probably why PMDD suddenly became extremely noticeable, although it was hidden behind the mask of MDD before.
It is an intense experience. I often feel like a waste of intelligence inside a body that shuts down over small responsibilities.
My extremely low stress tolerance is embarrassing!
It has caused word disturbances throughout my life, actually. I’ve shut down over the dumbest things. I know a lot about business, for example. Yet, I am not capable of handling the workload of someone who works inside the higher management areas of business.
It bothers me beyond words.
You don’t need a disorder to have moments of executive dysfunction, though. What overwhelms you?
I started writing around 4 am, and it has finally reached 6 am. A worthy use of my time, if you ask me!
Have a beautiful day, everyone.
Angela J Shupe 
I was thinking…