Nothing is quite as exciting as coughing & wheezing just because I am slowly walking from one room to another!
I am not fully sure what the issue is. I do know it is related to my thyroid, but I am not sure about the extent of the causation.
I’ve had come-and-go tightness in my throat for a bit. My doctor wanted to explore it further this month, and I have an appointment on the 15th, 9 days from now. She explicitly requested that I reach out if it gets worse.
Today is day 3 of struggling to breathe with a choking sensation.
I have a dry cough when I am walking & I can hear myself wheezing slightly when I am trying to breathe in motion. I am back to normal after about 5 minutes of sitting, with only the hand-to-throat sensation remaining.
It was significantly affecting my mood, so I wrote a little about it on Threads. Last night, someone commented with a warning to get seen ASAP, as it can actually mean the nodule on my thyroid is a tumor that is spreading. The symptoms align with that potential issue.
A little research also showed me the potential for my airway to close, even if not a tumor, because my thyroid could be swelling & creating a vice grip on my trachea. It also noted that my cough and wheeze are likely the “barking cough” and “stridor”, two symptoms that show up in this type of situation.
Either way, it is now day 3, and I am tired of struggling to breathe. Well, more struggle than before.
I already had issues previously in some areas.
I cannot lie on my left side; it feels like my breathing capabilities are cut in half. On my back, I actually find that it can cause me to pass out because it is so hard. I have to sit or lie at certain angles.
For example, on my back, I need to lie with my head raised up to a minimum level. Otherwise, I am not going to be awake for long.
These are observations I have made over the past year, even before my thyroid issues were noted.
Now, it seems being alive is a catalyst for struggling to breathe.
Major depressive episodes suck.
A flower for you, my friends. I shouldn’t be the only one with a pretty flower to flaunt!
Did you notice how beautifully my roses opened up?
Here is a little line art floral love for you, too.
We all need a little love, and I am trying to show myself a little grace. Not feeling well affects my mood. Then, it amplifies how I feel the sensations I am dealing with.
I am struggling to breathe & feel choked, so then I get really depressed because I feel unwell & it is frustrating. Then I become hyperaware of the sensations. This amplifies the depression…
Get the gist of it?
So, yes, not feeling well has amplified my depressive feelings & my irritability.
Yesterday, my boyfriend was having some issues with his health. I was on day 2 of feeling suffocated. I was also washing laundry and trying to finish some chores. He was really unwell, though. I snipped at him because, here I was feeling suffocated, and I was still doing some necessities that couldn’t wait. He was busy being miserable (with good reason).
When I was able to rein in my irritability, I apologized. Factually speaking, my empathy was drowned out by my struggles. I was trying, but I just didn’t feel well enough to give the proper level of care he deserved. I was busy trying to show myself empathy.
This might be a good moment to express the humanity in that moment. No one is perfect. My reaction was just as human as his. We’re all allowed to be unwell and clash. Sometimes the act of recognizing our faults & apologizing is more telling of our character than the initial reaction.
It is also quite telling of just how depressed I have been. I am stuck inside myself, and it shows. I’m trying so hard to regulate and recognize that it is just depression talking.
I am always irritable when I am unwell. That includes depressive episodes.
Giving myself grace is hard. I hold myself to unrealistic standards. Even when I try to give myself grace, a little gremlin in my head tells me, “However, Angela, you’re not other people. Do better.”
I cannot figure out how to turn off that little voice.
I do wonder if part of my problem is the expectation that I should be able to turn that voice off at will, ignoring the many reasons that helped create it.
Free things are awesome!
Before I close out, I wanted to share a free PDF download/printable that I made. I am planning to post it on Sketchual Healing as a coping tool, but I also wanted to share it here with all of you.
I’ve been struggling with a lack of routine. I cut back all of my major responsibilities & suddenly feel like I am existing without purpose.
I miss being in constant motion, constantly busy.
It is not realistic right now. When I am busy, I fall prey to executive dysfunction. More than one or two tasks on my daily task list can cause me to crumble under the pressure.
I made this so I can track one task per day, with optional low-spoon alternatives. This gives me a schedule to create that sense of productivity with plenty of grace for when I cannot handle anything too large.
If you want it, you can have it too!
Have a good day, everyone! I hope you like the free, undated planner. If you use it, I hope it helps you, too!
Angela J Shupe 
I was thinking…